Every Family Has Its Secrets

Chapter 4 - Spring's Warming Kisses

2009-04-07T10:27:00.019-04:00

The weekend was finally here. Victoria checked her reflection for the fifteenth time, making sure her teeth looked clean and her hair looked combed. She made sure the outfit she picked out had no wrinkles and she tried unsuccessfully, for about the twentieth time, to convince herself that she wasn't nervous. But, for the twentieth time, it didn't work. Victoria felt almost sick to her stomach from her jumbled nerves. She was going on her first official date with Shane this afternoon, and she couldn't have been more excited.

Besides spending a whole afternoon with Shane, which was thrilling enough by itself, she would also be away from here. Fireworks had erupted when Clayton and her father got into it over Clay getting fired. Getting fired was not acceptable for a VanDoren. Victoria had been extremely grateful to take care of Bradley because it served as a nice distraction from listening to the two fighting.

She couldn't believe the holidays were nearly here. It would have been nice for her family to celebrate Thanksgiving, as many other families did. Like they used to do. But Victoria had long ago given up such fairytale dreams.

When she was little, the family crowded around the table, drooling over the beautiful roasted bird her mother had made, and smelling the fresh homemade apple pie that was just starting to bake. Each person would have a turn to give thanks for something in their life. And hers was always the same.

"I'm thankful for my family." which would always earn her a smile of tenderness from Katherine, and a very slight (he always tried to hide it) tinge of redness to Erik's face. She liked that she could make him blush with love for her. Even Clay would smile at her. He would make gagging signs behind his parents' backs, and she would giggle at him. Then they would eat and talk and eat some more.

But that was before Brad had been born. Mother didn't have the energy for a big dinner, Victoria barely knew how to cook, and they had no family to visit. As the years went on, Thanksgiving just became another day on the calendar.

She snorted to herself wondering how a family dinner would go, now, where each member was expected to give thanks. There they would all be, around the table.

Brad would not be there, as usual, because Erik couldn't bear the embarassment of his son's antics. Clay would be thankful that God invented pot. Katherine would be so exhausted she would fall asleep in her chair.

Erik would be thankful the stupid maid's boobs took his mind off the failing health of his wife. And Victoria would be thankful to live in a huge house, surrounded by a bunch of strangers she had to call her family.

The chiming ring of the doorbell interrupted her thoughts. She peeked out the window and saw a modest four door sedan parked along the street. She raced downstairs, smoothed out her dress, took a deep breath to try and calm her nerves, and opened the door. There, standing before her, was easily the most handsome boy she had ever laid eyes on. His eyes, which could almost be mistaken for chips of sapphire, glinted in the afternoon sun. This was the first time she had ever seen him in natural sunlight, outside of the club with its colored lighting. She hadn't realized how deep his complexion was, a light bronze color that made his eyes look even brighter. His sleek black hair, combined with his crooked smile and layred tee, gave him a roguish appearance; not quite bad boy, but just a hint of a rebellion.

Victoria was drawn to him like a magnet. And now she was on a date with him! She couldn't believe how lucky she was. Dating a junior, who ever would have thought it possible?

They went to Rex's, a little diner downtown renowned for its spectacular greasy cheeseburgers. Victoria had never been to Rex's (VanDorens don't eat at such establisments), and she was immediately enamored by its bold red and white décor.

A jukebox in the corner kept the atmosphere inviting and comfortable. It had the feel of a 50's diner, and Victoria's problems dissolved as soon as she walked in the door. There was no VanDoren family anymore, just this fabulous place, full of young people, a few old, and everything in between.

And there was Shane. Shane whose eyes caught the light from the outside window that was opposite him and reflected it back a thousandfold, so animated with a spark of life, a promise of what the world had to offer and a determination to make it his. Victoria had a strong feeling that if Shane wanted the moon for his own personal treasure, he would find a way to get it.

Victoria was under a spell as she sat across from Shane, watching his eyes dance as he talked about his future. She mused that she was a sad princess, trapped in a horrible castle, under the control of an evil and powerful overlord, and Shane was a handsome prince coming to take her away. Then she realized she wasn't even listening to what he was saying and forced herself to tune back in to the conversation.

"I'd love you to hear me sometime."

"That would be great." What were they talking about again?

"Hey, are you okay? You look like you're a million miles away."

"I'm sorry. I've just had a rough week."

"Problems at home?"

Victoria tried to brush off the question, but against her will felt her brows furrow and her cheeks start to burn. "I don't want to talk about my family. You were saying?"

"Oh, okay. I was saying that I think I'm getting pretty good and would like you to come over sometime and listen. We don't have an official band name yet, but we have lots of time to come up with one."

"I'd love to."

He smiled that lopsided grin again. The one that made her realize she was falling in love with him. Or at least she thought she was. It was hard being 15. Her parents would probably tell her she was too young to be in love with anyone, that she didn't even know what love is. But she knew what she felt. And the intensity of her feelings was almost enough to lose herself in. She wished this date would never end, that she could sit here and gaze at his beautiful face forever.

But a couple of hours later, it did end. After some rigorous dancing, and then a rich chocolate malt, Shane took her home. Dread filled her as they pulled up in front of her house. She hated it here. She wished she could live anywhere else. She thought about running away often, but where would she go? Who would take care of Bradley when her mother was too tired? Not Clayton. And certainly not her father.

She sighed with resignation as Shane opened her car door for her. She stepped out and received a warm hug. She inhaled the musky scent on his neck and wondered if he was shaving, yet. His face was baby smooth.

Shane grasped her hands in his. "Can we do this again tomorrow?"

"I can't stay out this late on a Sunday."

"Then be ready by eight and we'll go out for breakfast. We can spend the day at the mall and I'll have you home by six."

"That sounds great. I'll see you at eight."

She knew her parents wouldn't care if she went out during the day. But if she came home after dark on a school night, there'd be hell to pay. She waved goodbye as Shane climbed into his car, then headed up the walkway into the house. But she wasn't walking, she was floating.

She floated all the way across the front room, where, for once, the sounds of her dad and Clay arguing didn't bother her. She floated upstairs where it was blissfully quiet. She thought about checking in on Bradley, but since there was no sound coming from his room, she figured he was either asleep or almost asleep. If he was nearly asleep and she went into his room, he would become extremely agitated. Then it would take an hour, at least, to calm him down. The frustration would ruin her perfect evening.

Instead, she decided to float on into bed, and fall asleep thinking about Shane's blue, blue eyes.

*~*~*~*~

The next day dawned bright and cheerful. Although fall, the weather was unseasonably warm, and Victoria was enjoying the no coat weather. As an added bonus, there wasn't a single cloud visible in the sky, which was a rich azure expanse as far as the eye could see. Victoria sprang out of bed at six and hopped into the shower, where she sang a song she and Shane had heard yesterday at the diner. She could hardly believe she got to spend the whole entire day with him.

After she was done getting ready, she peeked in on her mother and Bradley to let them know she would be out for the day but would be back by supper time. Katherine was rubbing a corn silk brush vigorously up and down Brad's back with long quick strokes.

Her mother stood up to face her. “That's good, honey, because your father is inviting a friend over for dinner, and I'll need some help with Bradley.”

This was the most her mother had said to her in weeks. She wondered to herself how her mother would find the strength to cook supper after doing Bradley's therapy sessions all day. She would probably have to take a nap.

The sun streaming through the window did little to enhance Katherine's pale complexion. If anything, it made her look even chalkier than usual, and seemed to highlight the fine wrinkles near her eyes and at the corners of her mouth. “You look very pretty," she said. "Where are you going?”

“I'm going out with Shane again.” She couldn't keep the enthusiasm out of her voice, it was just too surreal.

Katherine's face clouded in confusion. “Shane?” she echoed hollowly.

“Yeah, I told you about him, remember?” Her mother looked at the floor, trying to place the name.

“He's a boy from school. We talked about him two days ago.”

“Oh. Of course honey, I remember now. You two have a good time.”

She didn't remember. It was obvious she was trying to cover it up, but Victoria could see the truth in her mother's eyes. Her memory was getting worse. She felt like she wanted to cry, but was determined to go out and have a good time today.

As if on cue, she heard Shane's car pull up in front of the house. This time, she didn't bother to wait for him to knock. She bounded down the stairs and out the door, running away from this horrid house. Shane looked surprised when he saw her running out, but met her at the end of the sidewalk. “Wow. You're...you look beautiful.”

Victoria blushed and looked away, smiling what she hoped wasn't a goofy smile. “Thank you,” she said sheepishly as she climbed into the open door.

As normal for a weekend, the mall was bustling. Being in such a small town definitely had its disadvantages. There wasn't much to do, so often people packed this hang out spot all weekend.

They walked along, checking out the small shops. It may be a small town, but the mall was quite large and played host to many small specialty stores. Victoria expected to feel awkward with Shane, since they didn't know each other that well.

But it was quite the opposite. He was easy going, much more so than she, and was so willing to share things about his life with her. She found herself wanting to talk to him about herself, her family, but the thought frightened her, as well.

What would he think? Would he think they were all crazy? She certainly felt like she lived in an asylum, with Clay and Erik always screaming at each other, Bradley playing ping pong ball – literally – jumping on furniture, bouncing off walls, people, and objects, her mother shuffling around like a sickly inmate, having therapy sessions with Bradley, and sleeping so much. No, she decided it was best not to tell him. He might run away in fear.

When they got to Sasha's, Victoria grabbed Shane's hand and eagerly pulled him in. Sasha's was a hip clothing store with all the newest fashions, some vintage fashions, modern décor, swinging music, and a lot to see. Victoria could literally spend all day here, and couldn't wait to see what was new. There may be lots of dreary things about her life, but at least she could wear whatever she wanted. Her parents never cared what she spent. They probably would if it was extravagant, but Victoria never over did it, she knew where the limit was.

The last thing she wanted to do was draw any more attention to herself from her dad. She wanted to when she was a little younger, but now she just wanted to be invisible. Get her chores done, do her homework, and avoid him. Both her parents, actually, because she couldn't stand to be around her mother that much these days, either.

She dragged Shane to the male clothing section and started to flip through the rack while he stood chuckling behind her.

"Here. Try this on," she handed him a trendy looking outfit.

"What? What's wrong with my teeshirt and jeans?"

"Nothing," she replied honestly. She loved his look. "I just want to see what it looks like on you."

"Okay," he said in an exaggerated annoyed tone. "I'll try on this dorky outfit just for you."

Victoria giggled at him, thrusting the hanger into his hand. She looked through the rack and found another outfit for him while he was in the dressing room.

"How stupid do I look?"

Victoria burst out laughing. "You..." she couldn't finish because she was laughing so hard. "You look...,"

Shane put his hands on his hips in mock anger. "Laughing at me, huh? I knew this was a bad idea."

"It's just not you. Here, try this one."

Shane eyed the clothes skeptically, took them, and headed back to the dressing room.

This time he emerged looking quite handsome, even though he resembled a reject from a casting of Peter Pan. His collar was crooked, and he had missed a button. Victoria fixed his collar, feeling her hands tremble slightly. She buttoned the shirt, smoothed it out, then picked a piece of lint off of the shoulder. She was aware of his eyes on her, and when she looked up at him, she saw him looking at her seriously.

The situation made her nervous, so she backed away and smiled brightly. "There. You look like a million bucks."

"You really think so? I thought it was more like...," he lifted his arm and pulled the price tag closer for a better look. "$250."

Victoria laughed at him. He looked handsome, but just not quite right. When he put his own clothes back on, the layred tee and jeans, she realized that was the best look for him. It matched his personality.

The best thing about eating at the mall was all the different food choices. Several different food bars lined the wall.

Victoria was in the mood for a fat stack of flapjacks dripping with syrup. The atmosphere of the food court was spacious, and sounds seemed to echo throughout it. Kids playing, parents chattering, babies babbling, the aqariums bubbling.

"Can you come over next weekend? My band is meeting to practice. I'd love for you to come hear us. You could meet my parents."

"That would be great."

"Maybe I could meet your parents sometime, too."

“Oh. Uh, yeah. That would be...,” Terrifying? Nerve-wracking? Worse than watching all three Carla's Nightmare movies back to back to back? “...great.”

He smiled at her as he shoved a bite into his mouth.

“I had a great time, Vicky.” He reached down and grabbed her hands.

Victoria's heart fluttered in her chest. “Me too.”

“So...next Saturday you'll come over around noon?”

“I'll be there with bells on.”

“Great. See you then. He leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. She waved goodbye as he hopped back into his car and drove away.

She always rolled her eyes when she saw those parts in movies with teen romances in them. The parts where a girl would get a kiss from a boy on the cheek and she would swoon and say something stupid like, “I'll never wash my face again.”

Victoria felt like that right now. Her cheek felt warm and tingly, but more than that. It's like she could feel Shane's presence right there, could still feel his soft lips on her face. It felt like a whisper, light and caressing. She never wanted to wash her face again.

Her father was on the phone when she got home. She didn't pay it much mind, because he was on the phone often, and headed for the bathroom. She was just about to close the door when she stopped. Erick's voice sounded strange. Kind of high pitched and happy. Almost giddy. “I would love it if you stayed after work tomorrow. My wife will be out late with an appointment, and I can leave the office early.”

What? Her father never left the office early. That was just not something a VanDoren man did.

“I'm looking forward to seeing you then,” her father said into the phone. When she heard him replace the phone in its cradle, she shut the door quickly, wondering what that was all about.

His sudden knock on the door made her nearly jump out of her skin.

“Victoria, I need you to get supper started.”

She opened the door and looked into her father's eyes. “Where's mom?”

“Your mother is feeling ill and went to bed early. Mr. Barrington will be here at 7.”

She looked at her watch. 6:15. She better get started.

From the moment she met Nathan Barrington, Victoria didn't like him. He was pleasant enough, but there was just something about him that made her feel uncomfortable. It was the way he looked at her, like he was scrutinizing her all the time, watching every move she made like a cat stalking its prey.

He was already at the table when Victoria set the food out, homemade macaroni and cheese, which was all she had time for, and Erick was washing up.

Nathan was a handsome man, dark complected with black hair and emerald green eyes. He was a couple of years younger than her dad, or at least he looked like he was. He didn't have the same wrinkles at his eyes or the clenched jaw Erick had. Although the clenched jaw she knew to be from stress, not age. Nathan's was relaxed.

The entire dinner was torture for Victoria. Every time Nathan looked at her, she felt like he could see inside of her, that he knew her innermost secrets.

She was happy when the two would talk shop and she could zone out and think about Shane, but it seemed like every time she did, Nathan would manage to steer the conversation back to a topic that would include her.

“Do you have any boyfriends?”

Victoria choked on her macaroni at the abruptness of his question. She looked at her father, hoping to see a man who would defend her and chastise Nathan for asking such an inappropriate question to a teenage girl he had just met. But that's not what she saw. She saw, instead, a man who looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to answer the question.

Finally managing to choke the noodle down, Victoria took a deep breath. “Yes I do, actually.”

Nathan half smiled at her and stared hard. She had to look away, she couldn't take it. Why did he look at her like that? It made her feel on guard, apprehensive.

Victoria breathed a shaky sigh of relief when the two men retired to the study to discuss work. Her hands were trembling in the anxious wake of dinner, and she hastily cleared the table so she could go up to her room before her father asked her to come and be a good hostess. What an awful supper.

Chapter 3 - Winter's Shadow

2009-02-27T14:23:00.024-05:00

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Debbi taunted. “Wake up. Do you want to go to Club Red today?”

“I don't think so,” Victoria answered with a yawn. “I'm really tired today. I think I'll just go home and try to take a quick nap before the house goes crazy later.”

The rocking of the bus threatened to pull Victoria back into sleep.

“Rough night?” Debbi asked.

“Very. Mom hasn't been feeling well and I ended up taking care of Bradley. He was...energetic. I didn't get him to bed until almost nine, then I still had to get my homework done.”

“Shoulda just skipped it.”

“I thought about that,” Victoria yawned again, “but I want to keep my grades up so I can go to Hampton after I graduate.”

“Oh. Well, are you sure you don't want to go to the club? Shane's gonna be there.”

At the mention of Shane's name, Victoria snapped awake. She looked at her friend's face, and found her grinning like the Cheshire cat. She could be really evil sometimes.

“I-I couldn't. He thinks I'm an idiot.”

“No he doesn't. In fact, he asked about you last night.”

“He...asked about me?” Victoria entertained the idea that Debbi might not be telling her the truth, but just thinking about Shane asking about her filled her with too much of a thrill to doubt her friend's sincerity.

“Mmmhmmm. He wanted to know all about you.”

“Sure,” sudden doubt started filling Victoria. “He probably wants to know what mental institution I belong to and why they let me out on a school night.”

Debbi laughed at her. “Funny, Vickers. But he doesn't think you're a mental case.”

“He doesn't?”

“No. I just told him you had Tourette's and couldn't help yourself.”

“Oh Debbi, you didn't!”

Debbi's shrill laughter split the air, causing the other kids on the bus to look at them curiously. “Of course not. But you should have seen your face. Priceless!”

The bus stopped and the two got off, a mere two blocks from the club. They were silent for a few moments before Debbi started talking again. Victoria always knew she could count on Debbi not to be silent for more than five minutes.

“How do you think you did on the test today?”

“Which one? I had two today.”

“Mr. Ficus',” Debbi rolled her eyes at her friend, as if to remind her that they only shared one class together.

“I think I did pretty well, but biology is one of my favorite subjects.”

“I bet Mr. Ficus passes you with flying colors,” Debbi batted her eyes at her.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means that Mr. Ficus has a crush on you.”

“He does not.”

“Yes he does. I see the way he looks at you. He always looks at your legs when he passes by your desk. I think he's trying to see up your skirt.”

“Oh stop. If he's trying to see up anyone's skirt, it would be yours because it's always so short.”

“Everyone knows Mr. Ficus likes his coffee with lots of cream,” Debbi winked.

Victoria gasped. “No he doesn't. He likes it darker, caramel colored, like you.”

“You are such a tart, and he knows it.”

“Well, you want to marry Mr. Ficus,” Victoria retorted.

“Maybe. But you want to have his babies.”

Victoria tried to think of a response but was interrupted.

“Don't try to deny it, Vickers. Come on, we're here.”

This time, when Shane took the stool next to her, Victoria made a conscious effort to act normal, or, at least as normal as she could.

“Hi,” he said cheerfully.

“Hi.”

“She speaks!”

Victoria felt that familiar hotness in her face and neck again, grateful the light in the club was dark so Shane couldn't tell. She simply smiled at him.

“I was hoping you would come back today. We really didn't get a chance to talk. So, you're a sophomore, right?”

“No. I'm a freshman, like your sister.”

“Oh yeah, right.”

“Is...that bad?”

“Is what bad?”

“Being a freshman.”

“Of course not. I was there once, myself,” he had a charming lopsided grin. Victoria had to concentrate not to get swept away, he was so gorgeous. “Hey, wanna dance?”

Did she ever. She wanted to dance with him, kiss him, get married to him, have a million kids with him. She already had a huge crush on him, and she barely even knew him. It was those eyes, she told herself. She could get lost in them forever. When he looked at her, it was like he was really seeing her, heart and soul, and he seemed so genuine. So different from her father, who measured a person by their status. Shane seemed like he was really interested in her as a person. She hoped he was as real as he seemed to be.

Later that day, Victoria arrived home without even remembering the forty minute walk it took to get there. She was pretty sure she had floated all the way home.

But when she walked in the front door, thoughts of Shane vanished. Clayton was home, and he wasn't happy. He was storming through the house yelling something about how his boss was a two faced something or other and Richard would someday pay. Clay had been competing with Richard, who was just a little older than him, ever since he had gotten the job at Tellerman's several years before.

“I've had enough of that place anyway. I'm glad I got fired!”

Victoria gasped. “You got fired!?”

Clay turned his angry face at her. “Do you think I'd be wandering around in pajamas at six in the evening if I was hadn't gotten fired? What's the big deal, Vick? Huh? Go ahead and stare. Clayton VanDoren screwed up again. Way to make the old man proud, huh? Not that I should care anyway. He'll have a fit, tell me I'm worthless, that I'll never measure up to his 'standards' and probably disown me. So what? I hate this stupid house anyway, and everyone in it! I'm glad I'll be heading off to college next month. I just won't have my references from Mr. Tellerman. That should screw me over real good. I'll never get as far in business as dad, no matter how much I try, I'm just not good enough!”

Victoria watched as Clayton stormed through the kitchen, kicked a cabinet door and then stomped upstairs. She had thought about telling Clay that yes he was worth something, and there was no shame in what had happened, but she knew it would just fall on deaf ears. It was bad enough that he would be leaving for college half a year later than expected because Erik insisted he repeat some of his failed classes. That went over well in the VanDoren household. Victoria shuddered when she remembered the argument that happened that night.

Nothing she could say would change how he felt, and could, in fact, make things worse because he would just argue with her anyway. She loved her brother, but she was glad he was leaving next month, because then at least she would have one less stress to bother her. She knew Clay had a lot of potential, and she hoped being out of the poison pit that was their home would bring out the best in him.

**********

“I'm sorry, Ms. VanDoren, there's really nothing more I can do.”

Dr. Parker's voice sounded far away and thin, as if he were speaking to her through a tin can.

“But,” Victoria shifted on her feet, “can't you just come out to the house to look at her? Something's really wrong, Doctor. I just feel it.”

“I can't come out the house without your father's consent. If I did, he could sue me for malpractice. I've already told Mr. VanDoren that we need to run some tests on your mother. And I simply cannot do that without a signed consent form.”

Victoria started feeling desperate. “If you fax it to me, maybe I could get him to sign it. Would that work?”

“I'm afraid not. He needs to come down to the office, or allow me to come there to witness the signing. Why don't you talk to him? Maybe you could convince him to let me at least have a look at your mother.”

Victoria's eyes stung as she hung up the phone. She had already talked to her dad. Many times. He always said no. But she would just have to try again.

She fixed a nice supper, as nice as she could with her limited knowledge, of spaghetti and meatballs with homemade sauce, garlic bread, and a fresh garden salad. She sat quietly at the table with him, eating hers. Clay wasn't home, and Mother and Bradley were at on of their appointments. Victoria waited until her dad was almost finished before broaching the subject.

“Daddy? Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure, Pumpkin. What's on your mind?”

When he looked at her she saw the father she used to know. The father that used to act like a giant robot and hold her upside down until she squealed. He rarely used pet names for her anymore. She couldn't decide if it was better he was in a good mood, meaning he might be more receptive, or if it would make things worse by bringing out the father she usually saw. Then she thought of her mother, pale and tired, barely enough energy to take Bradley out then come home and crawl into bed.

She decided her mother's welfare was more important than a pleasant night at home with her dad, even though she never got to have that.

“I'm really worried about Mom.”

Instantly, as if a cloud had just appeared over Erik's face, his expression changed. The tiny bit of mischievous glint his eyes held turned into outright annoyance, bordering on anger.

“Not this again, Victoria.”

“But Daddy, something is wrong with her. You've seen how pale she is all the time, and how tired. I think she needs to see Dr. Parker.”

“Bradley,” Erik said through clenched teeth, “is an exhausting child, and your mother spends every waking moment with him. She doesn't eat right, and doesn't get enough fresh air. There's nothing wrong with her except her unwillingness to take care of herself.”

“Well, maybe you could hire someone to help take care of Bradley, so Mom would have a little more time to herself.”

“You know your mother would never do that, Victoria. She would insist on taking care of him herself and performing her 'therapy' sessions. My idea was to send Bradley to The Helping House, a home for other kids like him, where he could be cared for.”

Victoria sat in stunned silence for a moment. “You...you wanted to send Bradley away?”

“To a place where he would be treated well by people accustomed to taking care of kids that are...different. Then we could have family dinners in peace, and I could invite clients over.”

“But...Bradley is your son. How could you send him away?”

“I haven't! He is still here, demanding every ounce of your mother's strength and energy.”

“But you wanted to.”

“Your mother wouldn't have it. We argued many times over it, but she refused. I finally just gave it up.”

So that's what they used to fight about so often. But Victoria wasn't entirely convinced that her mother's behavior was entirely due to Bradley.

“Could you please just let Dr. Parker come out and take a quick look at her? You don't even have to be here if you don't want to be, I'll handle everything. Please?”

Erik sighed deeply. “I suppose,” he said reluctantly, shoving one last bite into his mouth before leaving the table.

A surge of hope coursed through Victoria. She happily cleared the table and vowed to call tomorrow and set up an appointment.

Three days later, on a somewhat bleary Friday afternoon, Erik and Dr. Parker stood in her parents' bedroom, discussing Katherine. Actually, they had started out discussing her, and now their voices were starting to raise in anger. Katherine, oblivious to the noise, slept peacefully.

“Once again, Mr. VanDoren, I strongly suggest you have some labwork done on your wife.”

“And once again, I tell you she doesn't need that. She just works herself too hard. Can't you just give her some energy supplements or something?”

“Not without labwork. I have several blood tests I would like to run to clear the possibility of something internal at work here, just to be on the safe side. Certain prescriptions can interfere with symptoms or even make them worse if there is an abnormality in her system.”

“Look, you said yourself there were no outward appearances of anything but fatigue. I told you, she's just tired. She doesn't sleep or eat enough.”

“Outward appearance, Mr. VanDoren. That tells me nothing about what's going on inside her. Perhaps you are correct, and the blood tests show nothing. But until we have that proof, I can't prescribe anything.”

“Absolutely not,” Erik said indignantly.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Absolutely not. You do not have my permission to go poking needles all over my wife. Thank you for coming out Doctor, I believe we're done here.”

Dr. Parker, defeated, looked at Erik for another moment before gathering his bag.

Victoria didn't even bother to act like she wasn't eavesdropping. She didn't care if her father knew she had overheard or not. Dr. Parker nodded at her as he passed, but didn't slow down on his way to the stairs. Victoria stood helplessly, listening to him step down them with measured steps as if he was suppressing his anger. She heard the front door open and close, followed shortly thereafter by the sound of him slamming his car door and driving away.

She stood where she was in front of the stairs while her father approached, glaring at him.

“How could you? How could you send him away without letting him do the tests?”

“Victoria, I agreed to let him see her, not let him use her as a pincushion. She doesn't need those tests, there's nothing wrong with her that sending that child away won't fix.”

“You're a monster! You won't help your son or your wife. What kind of husband and father are you?”

“Now that is quite enough, young lady! You will not speak to me thusly. You will spend the rest of the week in your room with no supper to remind you that you need to have respect for your parents.”

“Well, if I don't cook, then no one will eat. Besides, maybe you should have respect for your family.”

His darkened eyes stared at her, and she knew she may have just crossed the line, but she didn't care. Maybe Clay was right to hate this house. She wished she were able to go to college soon and leave this place behind soon, too.

Chapter 2 - Winter's Cold Embrace

2009-02-11T14:59:00.000-05:00

“You really are doing a sensational job, Chloe. We are so pleased to have you working here. Please accept this small token of my gratitude,” Erik said with an odd tone to his voice as he shoved a wad of bills into the maid's hand. He sounded weird, pronouncing his words in a slightly exaggerated manner, like he was flirting or something. Ew.

“Oh! Thank you Mr. VanDoren. You are very...generous!” As she said it, she gave a little half bounce, causing her large breasts to jiggle. Her father stared at them, unabashadley, while the new maid acted (overacted) shy.

Victoria rolled her eyes as she scurried past them on her way to the ringing phone.

“Hello?” she said into the phone.

“Hey, Vickers! It's about time. I thought I'd die of old age before you finally picked up. What took you so long?”

“Hi, Debbi. You caught me in the bathroom. What's up?”

“A new club just opened up downtown, and I was wondering if you wanted to check it out after school tomorrow.”

“You know it.”

“Will your parents mind?”

“Nah. They don't really care where I go,” she cast a scornful glance at her dad, but he didn't notice. Her father was once again gushing about how wonderful Chloe was and what a fabulous job she did. And Chloe was once again giggling her girly giggle and acting like she hadn't just heard these same compliments a couple of days ago. “Dad usually works late anyways, and he doesn't care what I do with myself as long as I pull straight A's. Mom's so busy with Bradley, she never even notices when I'm not here.” Though the words were true, Victoria felt a surge of anger after she said them.

“Great. See you then.” Debbi hung up the phone before Victoria could say anything else. She stared at the receiver in her hand for a second.

“Bye, Debbi,” she mumbled to herself as she hung it up.

Behind her, Erik was still talking to the maid, while she played the part of a coquettish maiden. It was truly a nauseating sight to see. She was going on and on about some skiing trip she had taken, and Erik was feigning interest. No, not feigning interest, but actually interested. He was hanging on every word that was coming out of her mouth. She was surprised that Erik could get caught up in the story she was telling, Chloe seemed so...vacuous. Victoria wondered if Chloe had actually given mouth to mouth resuscitation to her skiing buddy, saving him from 'most absolute certain death' or if she was embellishing the story. Victoria decided she didn't care and headed into the kitchen to make some sandwiches.

Mother didn't cook as much anymore, she was always so tired. She usually asked Victoria to prepare something simple for the family to eat. Victoria didn't really know how to cook, but she could do a few meals. She made a pretty good chef salad, but Bradley didn't usually eat it. He had a problem with the lettuce. The last time she made it for the family, Bradley's had ended up on top of his head and in his lap. Erik was not pleased and Victoria decided that salad would no longer be an acceptable meal. Clayton couldn't seem to find anything good to say about it, either.

As soon as she placed the last sandwich on the table, Clay stormed through the back door into the dining room. Victoria sighed to herself. He was in a mood again. She didn't have to wonder what happened at work to cause him to be so cranky, she knew he would tell, or rather, yell about his day.

“That damn Roger! He always thinks he can step on my toes and get ahead. But I'm sick of putting up with it!”

“Lower your voice, Clayton. There's no reason to yell. A gentleman never yells.”

Victoria nearly choked on her sandwich. Who was her Erik to teach anyone how to be a gentleman? Since when did gentlemen go around complaining about this, that, and the other thing, have screaming matches with his wife, never help her with the kids, and smash little girls' dollhouses to dust? She looked over at the two of them, their faces scrunched up at each other.

“Oh. Well excuse me, father, I didn't realize I had to be so quiet. Did someone die, or something.”

Erik stiffened at his son's response. “You will address me as 'sir' when you speak to me, young man. And I've had quite enough of your attitude for one evening. You may retire to your room without supper.”

“Whatever. I'm not in the mood for Vick's tasteless sandwiches, anyway.” He stomped out of the room, over to the stairs and all the way up them. Victoria could hear him stomping across the floor to his room, then the door slamming shut.

Erik, aware that his daughter was watching him, pulled himself straight and tried to look dignified. He partially succeeded, but Victoria looked quickly away. She couldn't stand to look at him most of the time. He was always so short with everyone in the house, then tried to reclaim that distinguished air he possessed when she was a small child. But she could see through him now. He was a fake.

She decided she'd go up and check on Bradley. It was just after 8 p.m., so her mother was probably in bed. Katherine got up early in the mornings with Bradley and started his therapy. On the weekends, Victoria would occasionally observe. It didn't look much like therapy to her. Her mother cheered while Bradley jumped on the bed, they played tug of war with the bed sheets, they did jumping jacks and push-ups, and sometimes they danced. It looked more like she was playing with him, choosing to spend all her time with him and neglecting the rest of her family. She always claimed that Bradley needed her, but had no idea what was going on with the rest of her family.

Victoria could be hugely pregnant or failing school, and Katherine wouldn't even know. Clayton could disappear off the face of the earth and she probably wouldn't even realize it for days. Erik could start having an affair with that dippy maid, and Katherine would never find out because she rarely left the second story of their house. When she did, it was to take Bradley to the therapy sessions he had to go to three times a week.

She found Bradley sitting quietly on his bed, staring at nothing. This was almost as common as him jumping on the bed or banging his head against the wall. She came in and sat on the bed beside him.

“It's time for you to get ready for bed, mister.”

“No. No bed.”

“I'm afraid so. You need to stock up on your energy for more bed jumping tomorrow.”

At this, his eyes lit up. “Story?”

“Okay, we'll read one story. Then it's off to dreamland for you.”

Bradley tucked securely in, Victoria went downstairs to clean up the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she stopped. Her father was on the phone, but it was clear that it was not a normal phone call. His voice was near furious, but he was making a clear effort to keep it quiet, like he didn't want anyone else in the house to know.

“No. I already told you, you can't come here. Don't call this number again!” He hung up the phone and whirled around, then jumped when he saw Victoria staring at him.

“Jehovah's witnesses,” Erik mumbled as he jerked a thumb at the phone. Without another word, he went out to the front room to watch tv.

Victoria simply stood there for a moment, knowing her father was clearly lying, but also knowing it would do no good to argue with him. She wondered who it really was.

It was a clear day in late fall. The leaves, having long ago fallen from the trees, had lost their brilliant shades of orange, red, and yellow, and were now the dead brown Victoria always associated with impending winter. The skeletal limbs of the once full and beautiful trees clawed at the bleak sky. The dirty leaves lined every street and cluttered every yard. She hated this time of year. It was a time of cold emptiness. Of quiet submission to the ravages of winter. Even the animals hated this time of year. Many animals hibernated, lying dormant like the trees, and the birds flew away. It was hard for Victoria not to let depression sink in.

The only bright spot in the day was now. When she got to check out the new club Debbi told her about on the phone yesterday. From the outside, the building looked rather plain. But on the inside, Club Red was quite a sight to see.

White strobe lights lined the ceiling, casting a cheerful light to the room. Victoria felt better as soon as she stepped inside, leaving her winter blues behind her. Pumping music filled the air, adding an electric feel to the atmosphere. Victoria turned to her left and saw where the music was coming from. There was a DJ booth against one wall, the punky dj jamming to the music. In the back of the club, a bright red bar ran the length of the wall, with several stools lined up in front of it. Debbi motioned for her to take a seat.

“Isn't this place great?” Debbi yelled over the music.

“Fabulous!” Of course, any place that wasn't home or outside between late fall and early spring was fabulous. Anywhere she could forget about her home life for awhile. She looked out on the dance floor where several people were grooving to the DJ's sounds.

"I thought I told you to wear something sexy."

Victoria looked down at herself. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"Nothing. If you want to look like my grandmother. Would it kill you to show a little boob? Or how about some leg? You have great legs, you should show them off. You might actually get a date now and then."

Victoria looked at her friend. Debbi was...not like her. She was a bit on the wild side, outgoing, open, and honest. Whether you wanted her to be or not. And one thing she had plenty of was boyfriends. She had a different boyfriend every week. A different hair color, too. Victoria returned her gaze to the dance floor.

And then she saw him. He wore a black long sleeved tee with blue printing on it and had jet black hair. His dusky skin shone in the bright lights that moved back and forth across the floor. Even from where she sat, she could see his intensely blue eyes. She sat and wached, mesmerized, as he moved. He wasn't the most graceful dancer, but there was something about him. Something that drew her attention to him and wouldn't let it go. From far away, she heard Debbi's voice. “Earth to Vickers. Come in, Vickers.”

Victoria grabbed her friend's arm, ignoring Debbi's yell of protest.

“Who's that, on the dance floor?”

“The blonde guy? I don't know, just some dude, I guess.”

“No. Not the blonde guy. That one. In the black shirt.”

“That? You must be joking!”

“No,” Victoria said, finally tearing her gaze away from him and looking at her friend's astonished face. “Do you know him?”

“Know him? I have to live with him.”

“What!?”

Debbi laughed. “That's my brother, Shane. Forget about him. He's a junior and he thinks he's all that. Besides,” she said as her dark eyes glittered, “juniors don't date freshmen.”

Victoria stared at Debbi dumbly, then at the handsome boy, still on the dance floor. Debbi's brother? She couldn't believe she had known Debbi for over a year and never even seen him before. She had even been to her house a time or two, but Shane had never been there. Debbi had always said 'My stupid brother' this or 'my stupid brother' that, but Victoria never took stock in it, she had a 'stupid brother', too. All older brothers were like that.

“Yo.” Debbi nudged her arm.

“Huh?” She didn't look at her friend.

Beside her, she heard Debbi's sigh of frustration. “Do you want me to introduce you?” Debbi sounded completely unthrilled about the idea.

Victoria felt a sudden surge of nervousness. It was so silly, really. She had never been all that interested in boys before. In fact, it always annoyed her when other girls in her class would make a big deal out of this boy or that one. They looked so stupid with their leering faces when they watched the boys walk down the hall in their tight jeans, then making comments about who had the cutest butt.

“Come on,” Debbi hopped up from her stool and grabbed Victoria's arm, dragging her right out to the dance floor.

“Hey, Poopyhead. I want you to meet my good friend, Vickers.”

Shane looked at Victoria and she suddenly felt like her body weighed a ton. Her brain felt numb, it felt like she was trying to think through pea soup. She struggled to say something. She opened her mouth, then closed it again without saying anything.

“Vickers?” Shane inquired.

Now that she was standing right in front of him, his eyes were even bluer. Bluer than a clear summer sky. Shane looked at her, amused, waiting for a response.

“Well, aren't you going to say anything?”

“Uh...the wind is very cold today. It makes the leaves swirl.”

Shane's eyebrows knitted and he looked at her like she was a mental case. Victoria, horrified, turned and ran to the bathroom where she nearly threw up. She gasped for breath. What a stupid thing to say! He must think she was the world's biggest idiot.

She dabbed some cold water on her burning cheeks with a paper towel and checked herself in the mirror. She looked...foolish. And childish. She sure didn't look like she was fifteen. She decided she should just go home and ditch Debbi. She might be a little miffed, but she would get over it.

Victoria peeked out of the door of the bathroom, making sure the coast was clear. She didn't want Shane to see her. Not a soul in sight. Upon seeing the bar, she thought an ice cold blended juice drink might help her to calm her nerves. Since Shane had obviously left because of her retardedness, there was no reason to run away just yet.

She took a seat and ordered her drink. She was starting to feel a little better when, out of the blue, none other than Shane took the stool next to hers. Now, instead of thinking through pea soup, her brain ceased to function completely. She had to remind herself to breathe, but even then took shallow breaths. The air around them was silent. Even the music didn't seem to exist right at this moment. She contemplated jumping down from the stool and running out the door, but didn't want to look more foolish than she already had. She didn't dare speak to him, she had already tried that, and had completely messed it up.

“So,” he said suddenly, causing her to jump just a little. He pretended not to notice. “You say it's a little chilly outside?”

OmigodOmigodOmigodOmigod Victoria was frozen. He was looking at her again, waiting for her to talk. She forced herself to breathe, but didn't realize she had been holding her breath. She sucked air in with a whistling sound and felt her cheeks start to burn again. Why couldn't she act like a human around him? Speak, girl! Her brain screamed at her.

“Let's start over. Hi. My name is Shane. And you are..?

Victoria stared blankly at him and willed herself to talk.

“Look, I know your mother always taught you not to talk to strangers, but I promise not to bite you.” He smiled a lopsidedly.

Her mother!? Oh, God! He really did think of her as a child! This time when she flushed, she could feel it all the way down to her toes. She felt so stupid.

“Igottago.” She hopped off the stool and ran out the door, completely forgetting her coat, which she remembered about halfway home when the biting wind penetrated her skin. She wasn't about to go back and get it, either. She had more coats.

**********

It was only about 5 pm when she got home. Her mother was actually downstairs today. She was sitting on the couch looking positively beat. Bradley was jumping on the couch next to her. He was having a blast, and not showing any signs of slowing down.

Having left the most embarrassing moment of her life behind her, Victoria found she was actually happy to be home. Home where Bradley was like a ping-pong ball jumping all over the furniture and body slamming into his family members. Home where her pale mother, who looked like she needed about three years of sleep followed by some intense sunlight, sat on the couch like a vegetable, or laid in bed, or had her little 'therapy' sessions with Bradley. Victoria wondered why her mother always seemed so tired even though she spent increasing amounts of time in bed. Home where Clayton and her father were constantly arguing about everything under the sun. When she was a child, her mother would argue with Erik frequently. But they hardly ever did anymore. Instead, father argued with Clay and he and Katherine barely spoke.

She was fooling herself if she thought she was happier than here. Any place was better.

“Mom? Where's Clay?”

Her mother looked at her for a full minute before answering. “Upstairs.” She turned to stare blankly at the tv.

“Upstairs, upstairs, upstairs, upstairs,” Bradley sang as he jumped.

Victoria headed into the kitchen to make macaroni and cheese, Bradley's favorite. Victoria didn't like the vacant look her mother had given her. She used to be so youthful and sharp. Now she seemed grandmotherly, but in a slow kind of way. At first, Katherine's eyes registered absolutely no recognition for her daughter. For several seconds, it was like she had forgotten who or where she was. It frightened Victoria to see her mother acting this way. She decided to talk to Clay about it after setting out dinner.

She called Bradley and her mother to the table, knowing full well that Katherine wouldn't eat. She hardly ate anything. She was looking thinner all the time. Maybe Victoria should talk to dad about making an appointment with Dr. Parker for Katherine. The thought alone filled her with dread. Her father hated people, especially minors, telling him what he should do. But something had to be done. Her mother's behavior was odd and concerning.

She didn't have to wonder where upstairs Clayton would be. She knew he would be holed up in his room again. When Clay wasn't working or going to school, he was in there. The door was locked. Victoria pounded on it.

“Clayton, we have to talk.”

“Go away, Vick. I'm busy.”

“There's something wrong with Mother.”

Clay opened the door and snorted at her. “There's a lot wrong with Mother. There's a lot wrong with this whole family.” His glassy eyes sparkled in the darkened room. He had that stupid grin on his face again. He was stoned. Victoria had complained to her father briefly, about Clay's behavior. But Erik had simply stated that what Clayton did with his paychecks was his own business. Her father either chose to ignore the fact that his son addicted, or simply didn't care. But why should he? He didn't care that his family was going to hell. Clay was right when he said there was a lot wrong with this family.

“I think she should see a doctor.”

“So what are you telling me for?” Clay replied snidely. “Erik makes all the decisions in this house and no one else can ever say anything.”

“Since when did you start calling him by his first name?”

“Since he decided to stop acting like a father.”

“Aren't you worried about mom? She's just not...right.”

“Why should I worry about her? You're doing enough worrying for both of us. Besides,” he said as he took a long hit, held it, and blew the smoke in Victoria's face. "Viper's Weed takes all your worries away. You wanna try it, Vick? Wanna puff the dragon?” He held the joint to her.

Victoria coughed and waved the smoke out of her face. “No thank you!”

Clayton chuckled to himself as he turned away from her, clearly done with the conversation.

Victoria left, closing the door behind her. She headed into the kitchen to clean up where she found Bradley squishing the macaroni in his hands. He had already smeared it into his hair, all over his face, the table, his clothes. She sighed wearily. She wished she had a normal family. She knew Bradley couldn't help how he was, and maybe not her mom, but her dad certainly could. Where was the father that used to give her piggyback rides up to the house and talk to her mom's pregnant belly before Bradley was born?

“Come on, Brad. Time to go splash in the tub for a bit.”

“Splash! Splash water!”

“Yep. Splash water.”

Hours later, she finally crawled, exhausted, into bed. It was nearly 11:00 now and her father still wasn't home. She found herself hoping he would never come back.

Chapter 1 - Fall's Loneliness

2009-01-30T16:27:00.002-05:00

"Nurse Wendy? I have to go to the bathroom."

"Okay, hon. You know where it is, right? Down the hall to the right." The pretty nurse turned to pick up another of the scattered toys.

"But don't take too long. I'm sure your parents will be ready to leave soon."

"And it looks like your baby brother is getting cranky."

Victoria ran her hand along the wall as she walked down the hall. She could see the hall that went to the right, where the bathrooms were, but she could also see Dr. Parker's office at the end of it. As she got closer, she could hear his strong voice.

"I-I'm not sure I understand. Could you please explain, Dr. Parker," her mother's melodic voice asked.

"Of course. Sensory Integration Disorder is a dysfunction of the nervous system. People that suffer from this disorder often seek sensory imput, try to minimize input, or a combination of the two. For example, a child with SID might cover his ears and get upset around loud noises, such as a blender or vacuum cleaner. Or he might prefer certain clothes, made of certain fabrics because they don't rub against his skin."

The room was silent for a moment, and Victoria risked a peek around the corner into the doctor's office. She saw Dr. Parker sitting behind his oak desk, looking from one of her parents to the other. His kind face held a smile as he patiently waited for one of them to speak.

Craning her neck just a little, she could see her parents. Her beautiful mother, in her favorite summer dress, which she still wore even though it was now fall, sat staring at a point somewhere behind Dr. Parker's head. Her full lipped mouth was turned down into a slight frown and her expression was somewhat vacant. Victoria could not see much of her father, but when he suddenly shifted position she ducked back behind the corner, afraid to be seen. She felt a little guilty because nice Nurse Wendy thought she was in the bathroom, but she couldn't resist the lure of voices coming from within the doctor's private office. She wanted to know what was wrong with Bradley, too. Erik would be furious if he knew she was listening. Eavesdropping was not an acceptable activity for a VanDoren.

"Is that what's wrong with our son?" Katherine asked.

"We won't know for sure without a neurological exam, but it is a definite possibility, based on the information you've given me. It's just one avenue I would like to pursue. Another would be to have an autism screening."

"Autism?" her mother said in a barely audible whisper.

"Again, Mrs. VanDoren, we won't know without further testing. But Bradley does have some distinct characteristics of autism and sensory integration disorder. I have the name of a specialist right here."

The sound of cards being flipped in the rolodex could clearly be heard.

"Would you like our office to call and make you an appointment? Ms. Klein can come to your home for an interview and to meet Bradley, and from there set she'll set up an appointment for the screening. Are you alright, Mr. VanDoren?" Dr. Parker asked.

Victoria slowly moved her eyesight around the corner of the door again. She could see her father, now. He was staring at the doctor silently. His mouth was pressed together, and his eyes seemed to be glaring at the older gentleman. This was bad. He was struggling to maintain his composure.

Without warning, Erik suddenly stood up. Victoria, caught off guard by her father's sudden movement, pulled herself flat against the wall, but she couldn't force herself to move.

"Thank you for your time, doctor," Erik said gruffly. She could hear her footsteps heading toward the door and she hastened to the bathroom a few doors away, hoping she hadn't been seen.

*******

"I told you already, Katherine, that this would be a waste of time. Calling this so called 'specialist' is going to only result in more time wasted. I can't miss another day of work on this worthless pursuit."

Victoria stared out the car window, watching the trees go by. She was fascinated with the way that the trees closest to the road seemed to fly right past, while the ones in the distance moved much more slowly. Beside her, her two year old brother slept snugly in his carseat, apparently worn out by his busy visit to the doctor's office.

"But Erik, we have to try. We can't go on living like this. Anyone who can give us any insight at all will be more helpful than what we're already dealing with. Besides, you don't have to miss any work at all, I'll deal with it myself."

Erik grunted in response.

"Erik," Katherine continued, "don't you want to know why Bradley does the things he does, why he bangs his head against the wall and still can't talk?"

"I suppose," he said reluctantly. "But I think it's pure foolishness. Do as you wish."

*******

"And then," Clayton, Victoria's older brother proudly proclaimed over supper, "I got the report turned in just in time for Mr. Drysdale to read, while Scott was still doing research. He said if I keep going this way, he'll have no choice but to give me a promotion."

Erik beamed at his son, his eyes sparkling as the two shared a moment of pure bliss, a moment only another booming businessman could understand.

"Oh, that's great, honey. Eat your salad," Katherine commented.

"Before you know it, I'll be on my way to SimState, just like you, dad. And with a scholarship, too."

"You keep going the way you're going and you'll put your old man out of business. Katherine, call the undertaker. The day my son reaches the top of the company is the day I can die happy."

The three of them laughed merrily while Victoria pushed the last zucchini slice into place. Looking down at her plate, she surveyed her work with a smile. There was her salmon patty, slightly oval shaped, pink and fleshy, like a face. Two sliced olives sat on the face like eyes, while a few grains of rice formed a mouth. A not quite smiling mouth. Several sliced zucchini were lined up along the upper edge of the patty, forming green circular hair.

"Victoria." Her head snapped up at her father's stern voice. "If you're not going to eat, then leave the table. Playing with your food is not an activity befitting a VanDoren."

She scraped all the rice and zucchini back into their proper places and pushed the food around with her fork, pretending she was interested in eating it.

Katherine was busy talking quietly to Bradley, whose mood was quickly going from bad to worse. He was upset because there were mashed potatoes in his bowl. Bradley hated any food that lacked shape, especially those that also lacked much color such as applesauce, cream of wheat, and mashed potatoes.

But Katherine, ever vigilant of trying to get Bradley to expand his food reportoire, had put them in Bradley's favorite blue and pink bowl. But Bradley didn't like to have them anywhere near him, and expressed his displeasure by grabbing a large handful and flinging them across the table. Victoria had to struggle hard to supress a giggle. If she laughed she would get into big trouble.

She diverted her attention to Clayton and Erik, both of whom had pained looks on their faces. Clayton was a chip off the old block, alright. He was practically a carbon copy of his father. Katherine was trying unsuccessfully to scoop what was left of the potatoes onto her own plate, but couldn't match the speed of the baby's hands which grabbed another handful before she could stop him. He threw some of the potatoes halfway across the table, and smeared the rest onto his highchair tray.

"Katherine, please," Erik said stiffly.

Bradley enthusiastically smacked his hand in the potatoes repeatedly, causing little bits to splatter with each hit. Then he put his head down in the smeared potatoes and drug it back and forth through the mess. Erik was positively pale and gripped his fork tightly in his hand. Katherine was frazzled, trying to get the kicking boy out of his highchair. Now Bradley started to yell in protest and flail as well.

Katherine finally succeeded in removing an anguished Bradley, who wasn't done with his meal, from his highchair and upstairs to the tub. Both Erik and Clayton both frowned at the mess, then left the table, leaving their dishes where they sat. Supper was over, whether everyone had finished eating or not.

Victoria cleared her plate and cleaned the table for her mother. She knew Katherine was busy with the baby, and didn't want her to have to come back down and deal with the potato mess. Potatoes had a way of turning to a consistency similar to cement when they dried. She also knew there would be no way her father would clean it up. He was old fashioned, and thought it was Katherine's job to take care of the baby. Clayton didn't bother to help; he was growing up to be just like his father.

When she finished, she went into the bathroom to wash her hands. As she turned to leave, Clayton came through the door, but Victoria blocked his path and looked up at him.

"What do you want, Vick?" he asked in an annoyed voice.

"Clayton, what's wrong with Bradley? Why does he do things like that?"

"Because he's retarded," Clayton growled.

"Is not!" Victoria yelled back at him.

"Is too! We can never have a normal meal in this house because of him. He always has to shriek because he can't have the blue bowl, or certain foods, or have a fit because he doesn't like what's in the blue bowl when he has it. He has to ruin everything! I was trying to tell Dad about my work day, but Bradley has to do his little retarded thing and mess everything up!"

"Stop saying that! That's not true! The doctor said there might be something wrong with him, but not that."

"Yeah, whatever," he shoved past her into the bathroom. "Now get out."

Victoria slowly climbed the stairs to her room. She was cranky after her conversation with Clay, and decided an evening playing with her dollhouse would be a nice way to be by herself. When she go to the top of the stairs, she saw her mother standing outside Bradley's room. She looked worried, or like she might be sick.

“Mom?”

“Oh,” Katherine jumped a little in surprise. She quickly brushed tears from her eyes and smiled at her daughter. She looked so beautiful with her hair down.

“Hi, sweetie. Don't forget to take your bath before bed.”

“What's wrong?” Victoria asked, ignoring her mother's statement.

“Nothing, honey. I'm just tired.”

Katherine gave her a hug and a kiss before retreating to her bedroom, leaving a confused Victoria standing in the hall.

*******

Victoria blinked her eyes, letting them adjust to the dim light of her nightlight. Bradley was screaming again. Her room was next to his, and although the house was very well constructed, his shrill cry managed to find the crack under her door and creep, unbidden, into her room, pulling her from sleep. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. With a yawn, she padded to the door and opened a bit. No longer muffled by her bedroom door, Bradley's scream echoed throughout his large room. She saw her mother go into the room.

Victoria peeked around the corner, feeling like a spy for the second time that day. Katherine attempted to calm Bradley, picking him up and cradling him in her arms.

He started to calm, his hysterical cries turning into soft whimpers. Katherine's voice could be heard singing him a soft lullaby, the same one she had sung to Vicoria when she was little. She wished her mother would sing to her. It had been so long. Her mother used to read to her, too, and play with her. But she was always too tired to do those things now.

"Victoria."

She jumped at the sound of her father's voice. She looked into his green-blue eyes, the same color as hers, and saw the frustration in them.

"You need to be in bed, young lady."

Victoria walked slowly back to her room, listening to the sound of the floorboards under her feet. Back in her bed she tried to reclaim sleep, but it was useless. She flopped to one side, then the other, pretending she didn't hear her parents voices getting louder and angrier, and Bradley starting to cry again.

*******

The day was growing darker by the minute. Although it was only three in the afternoon, it looked much later, and the wind was starting to pick up. It was a crisp day in late fall, which always depressed Victoria. She loved, and already missed the bright sunshine and warm days of summer. She hated the dark and cold. The first thing she noticed when the schoolbus pulled up in front of her house was that her mother's car was gone and her father's was home. She found that odd, since he usually worked until five, when her mother was just starting to get supper in the oven.

She knew Clayton was at work, and she found her father sitting down to read the paper.

“Where's Mom and Bradley?”

Her father frowned at her, and when he spoke, his voice was thick with sarcasm. “Your mother took it upon herself to have your brother evaluated. She's at the hospital, subjecting your brother to tests he doesn't need.” He opened his paper as if she wasn't standing right in front of him.

Victoria waited a moment, to see if he would say anything else. And when he didn't, “But maybe he does, Daddy. Maybe there's something wrong and he needs help.”

Her father looked around his paper at her. She wished he didn't. She wished he still had the paper in front of his face. His face to look at now was frightening. His eyes were dark, shadowy, and half closed in exasperation. His mouth was set in a half frown, and when he spoke, his words were clipped. Victoria was almost certain she didn't want to hear what was about to come out of his mouth.

She missed the days when she could interrupt his paper reading and he would smile at her, his eyes would twinkle and she would scamper up next to him, staring at the paper along with him, as if she understood the black inky words. But they hadn't done that together in such a long time.

“Shouldn't you be doing your homework, young lady?”

Victoria's vision immediately found her shoes. “Yes, sir,” she mumbled as she headed toward the study. She trudged across the living room slowly, like a condemned prisoner before execution. She tried to figure out where the happier times had gone. Of the time when, every Saturday night, they would crowd in front of the tv to watch a movie together, sometimes sitting on the floor sharing a big bowl of popcorn (a very unVanDoren activity if ever there was one, but Daddy didn't care so much about those things back then), and Daddy had things to share with them. Things not about work, but about fun stuff, trips they would someday take, and stories about how he and her mother met. Times when Clayton would tickle her until she thought she would wet her pants. They had continued these evenings late into her mother's pregnancy, but stopped after Bradley had been born.

“When the baby is a little older,” her mother used to tell her.

But it never happened. Her dad stopped telling fun stories and talking about exciting trips. The only time he wasn't frowning was when Clayton was sharing a work story. Clayton started frowning, too, and never tickled her anymore. He never even really talked to her anymore, except to say something like, 'Get out of the way, Vick' or 'Stay out of my room'. Mother never made popcorn anymore. She was always busy trying to keep Bradley happy, or being tired.

Reaching the study, Victoria reluctantly opened up her school notebook and started working, pushing her thoughts aside.

*******

"Ugh. Do it again. But this time do it correctly. Use a lighter touch, don't pound the keyboard. Begin."

Victoria tried her best, but her fingers fumbled through her scales. She cringed each time she hit the wrong note, which was often, and she was well aware of Mrs. O'Riley making abbreviated snuffing noises behind her. From across the room, her father stiffened, and she could feel his disappointment without even looking at him. Mrs. O'Riley put her hands over her ears to drown out the sound, then told her to stop. Erik glared at her disapprovingly for a moment before turning to her piano teacher.

"Your daughter will never be a piano player, Mr. VanDoren. Her fingers are too short to do the proper job, and her hands are too clumsy."

"Please, Mrs. O'Riley, won't you just give her another chance? I'm sure with a great deal of practice," he shot a look at his daughter before turning back to the elderly woman, "she'll improve."

"I'm sorry," Mrs. O'Riley said, snapping her briefcase closed. "I have a list of waiting children that need my instruction. I can no longer continue to teach her. Why don't you find something else for her to do? How about sports?"

"Sports?" Erik spat the word out distastefully.

"Then perhaps dance."

Erik frowned at her.

"Good day, Mr. VanDoren, Victoria" she said nodding to her father and then to her.

Erik did not look at her. Victoria tried to pull her ten year old body straight and hold her head high, but she still found herself looking at the ground as she shuffled out of the room and towards the stairs. She wished she could make him proud, like Clayton did. He was only thirteen, but already had a job and even gotten a promotion. Father was so proud of him. But for her, he was disappointed.

*******

Supper wasn't quite as chaotic as the night before, but the tension in the air was almost palpable. Victoria could almost reach right out and grab a handful of it. Her father didn't make eye contact with anyone, but sat in his own thoughts while he hurriedly ate his meal. Her mother was much the same, but instead of eating quickly, she picked at her food, giving the illusion she was actually eating. Even Clay was quiet at the table for once. Either he had a boring evening at work, or he could tell that conversation wouldn't be welcome.

Bradley was not at the table with everyone. Katherine had scooted his highchair in the kitchen and fed him while she cooked for everyone else. Then he was taken up to his crib to play while the rest of them ate. That way supper couldn't become the circus it had last night, and had on many other nights.

It didn't seem right not to have Bradley here. Victoria actually liked watching him eat. He had a way of doing it that always amused her. He touched everything on his plate, turning it over carefully in his small, dimpled hands, inspecting it. The hard and crunchy foods he ate, the mushy ones he delighted in squeezing in his hands, watching in fascination as it oozed through his fingers. Then, deciding he didn't like having sticky hands, he would often rub them on the highchair tray, on his clothes, in his hair. His actions always made her mother sigh with tired fatigue, and her father and Clay grunt, glare, or both with dissatisfaction. Then Katherine, whose meal was never finished, would extract a complaining Bradley from his highchair and haul him up to the tub for the beginning of his bedtime routine.

But it was different now. It was too quiet.

After supper, Victoria decided to go up and visit her brother. He was sitting in his crib, softly banging his head against the bars. She had seen him do this many times, sometimes hard enough to worry her. When Bradley saw her, he stood up and complained to be let out. Victoria felt so bad for him. He looked miserable in there. She lowered the side of the crib and took him out, beckoning him to follow her to her room. Bradley had never played with the doll house before, and she could use some company.

“Okay, Bradley, you move the daddy like this,” assuming the roll of teacher, she took the daddy doll and bounced him along the doll house floor. “And then you say in a low daddy voice, 'I'm going to take a bath.' See Brad? You be the mommy. She says, 'Oh dear. The pork chops are burning!' and then she runs real fast to the kitchen like this.”

She hopped the mommy doll across the doll house and into the tiny kitchen. She went into a fit of giggles when she looked over at her brother and he was chewing on the maid doll. He was so funny, sometimes. She really enjoyed playing with him. She didn't get the chance often, because it seemed that her mother was always busy trying to teach him to talk, or rubbing his arms and legs firmly, because she said it helped calm him down. But sometimes, he just needed to play with his big sister.

“What is this?” Erik's voice boomed out from behind her.

Victoria jumped up in surprise and turned to face the angry face of her father. She couldn't remember the last time he had smiled. It seemed like everything she or Bradley did upset him, and made his face hard and mean.

“We're playing with the doll house, Daddy. See? Bradley's helping me.”

“Boys don't play with dolls.”

“He's just a baby, and he's having a lot of fun-”

“Are you talking back to me, young lady?”

“No, sir. We're just playing.”

Behind her, she was half aware of Bradley clanking one of the dolls on its head across the floor. “Ba, ba, ba,” Bradley prattled to no one in particular.

Victoria turned to see him putting the daddy doll in the bathtub and then make a 'shoosh'

sound like water coming out of a faucet. She couldn't help but smile. He was so smart. She had just barely taught him how to do that, and already he could do it on his own. But when she turned back to Erik, her smile vanished. He didn't even look like her father. He looked like a monster, like the kind Clayton and his goofy friends sometimes watched on tv when dad had to work late and Mom was at the therapy center with the baby. Those times when he was supposed to be getting his homework done, but he was watching scary movies and talking about things that didn't make sense, like how Suzie Snyder's boobs bounced when she walked, whatever that meant.

For what seemed like an eternity, all Erik did was glare down at her, the baby, the doll house, and back again, just to repeat the same circle over and over. Victoria swallowed hard and kept her mouth shut tight. Finally, he talked, but immediately she decided she liked it better when he was quiet.

“Move away from the dollhouse,” Erik said in a low voice.

“But – why?”

“Do not argue with me, girl, just do it!”

Victoria moved aside and proceeded to watch in horror as her father brought up his shiny black shoe and smashed it into the doll house, cracking the roof.

“Daddy no!!”

He ignored her as he repeatedly smashed his foot into the house. An ever-growing cloud of dust rose into the air, as small pieces of doll furniture and wood siding shattered more with each kick.

“Daddy, daddy, please stop!” Victoria watched as her mommy doll went bouncing across the carpeted floor. The toy stove flew across the room and hit the wall before falling to the floor. The tiny bathtub, with the daddy doll still in it bounced a few feet away. The daddy fell out while the tub tumbled another foot before stopping.

“No!!”

After pounding the house flat, Erik dusted the dust and debris off his designer suit and straightened his jacket and vest. He tried unsuccessfully to smooth back the hair that had fallen across his eyes and regarded his daughter with a satisfied expression. “No son of mine plays with dolls.”

Victoria couldn't meet his eyes. She hated him. Bradley had already crawled away, disinterested in the whole affair. She sniffled and wiped her face on her sleeve.

“Clean up this mess,” Erik said softly before leaving the room.

Victoria looked at the once beautiful doll house, now flattened and broken on her bedroom floor. She saw the tiny broken windows, and the pillars snapped in half like toothpicks. The dining table lay about a foot away, . The daddy doll was laying where it had landed, smiling like it always had been, oblivious to the fact that his entire house and family had just been obliterated by a giant ogre.

Victoria picked up the daddy doll and stared at it. She had always liked this one the best, because his dark hair reminded her of Erik. Now she hated it for just the same reason. She threw the doll down and smashed its glass head with the heel of her shoe. Lying broken among the mess, the daddy's smile was now reduced to nothing but coarse rubble. Victoria swept it up with the rest of the small pieces and put the whole of it in the garbage bag.

Though her eyes were now raw, she was no longer crying. It was like her tears were all dried up and refused to come out anymore. Maybe she had already cried all the tears she had in her entire body. Feeling somewhat numb, she carried the bag downstairs and outside to the garbage. She tried to block out her parents' arguing voices, but snippets of the fight found her, anyway.

“How could you, Erik? She's just a child!”

“I will not have any son of mine playing with dolls. If that means removing the entire toy, then so be it! She'll just have to get over it!”

Victoria ran back upstairs as fast as she could to her room and shut the door. The corner where the doll house used to sit now looked bare and lonely. She felt lonely, too. She grabbed her teddy bear, Buttons, and hugged him close, snuggling him under her chin. Her eyes stung and a tear fell down her cheek, into the bear's fur. She sobbed softly, clinging to him. There were more tears in her, after all.